From The Blog

Revealed Preferences: Why You (Really) Don't Have Photo Albums

Judith Warner had a nice post the other day on her blog, Domestic Disturbances. The topic was expectations. In recounting three different...

Judith Warner had a nice post the other day on her blog, Domestic Disturbances.

The topic was expectations.

In recounting three different conversations she’d had that week, she’d come to terms with the fact that there were several areas in her life where she just wasn’t doing what she “ought” to be doing:

The weeds choking the garden. The hundreds of digital photos that no one has ever seen. The kid-art that hasn’t been hung. All these undone things, all these instances in which I Fail to Meet Expectations (according to the imaginary report card I update every day), derive their urgency for me from the sense that, if did meet performance standards, then I would be living my life to the fullest.

I could relate. I, too, walk around with what I call my “Panel of Elders” – a semi-circle of aging wise men who collectively monitor my every move. The Supreme Court meets Mt. Rushmore, if you will.

And there’s a lot to be said for Warner’s punchline:  that we just need to let go. Stop letting the perfect be the enemy of the good and all that.

Amen, sister.

Upon reflection, however, I think that the take-away point here extends beyond just lowering the bar. I think it’s also about being honest with ourselves about what we really enjoy and letting the rest fall by the wayside.

Economists have a wonderful concept – revealed preferences – which, in layman’s terms, means something like: “What you want is revealed by what you do, not by what you say.”

To take one of Warner’s examples, I actually know plenty of people who keep up-to-date photo albums or figure out some ingenious (and eye-catching) mechanism for storing their kids’ art projects. I’m just not one of them. Having never been a terribly “crafty” person, I just don’t like that sort of thing. (Which may explain why my own kids’ art projects currently spill haplessly out of a makeshift cardboard box. From time to time, rather than sort them out I simply dump a few into the trash, at which point my 5 year old invariably fishes them out as proof that I don’t really love her.)

By the same token, I always feel like I should be doing some combination of:  taking an art appreciation course…deciding what religion I ought to be…learning how to swim properly…re-reading the bible (Thank heavens David Plotz already has that last one covered for me.) The list goes on.

But when I’m honest with myself about who I really am (every third Thursday of every second month in leap year), I  recognize that I don’t actually enjoy most of those things. Or at least I don’t enjoy them enough to already be doing them. Or I would be.

So the next time you find yourself at war with your super ego over that avant garde French Film course you really should be taking (Is that just me??) – catch yourself and just say “no.” Or simply: “I don’t prefer.”

Image: Hand Made Photo Album by bettysoo via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.

Be Sociable, Share!

Tags: 

  1. Sarah Ryan May 12, 2009 at 10:57 am #

    This is just so true! Especially living here in London, we always feel like we should be enjoying certain things, but sometimes I actually think I might enjoy watching Oprah in the Hilton Garden Inn in Dayton, Ohio more than seeing the latest amazing play at the National Theatre or a weekend in Paris.

  2. Jean Pedigo May 12, 2009 at 5:30 pm #

    SOOOO true! Thanks for reminding us Delia : )

  3. Lisel Loy May 13, 2009 at 12:59 am #

    I have the same box for kid art and same editing technique. I did finally learn to bury the evidence deep in the trash can, away from prying eyes. My daughter finds other behaviors of mine that she points to as proof I don’t love her, but I have cut her off at the pass on this one. My son of course believes I don’t love him, at least not as much as I love his older sister, because I have yet to make him a baby book, whereas my daughter has several. So we’re back to the piles of photos and empty albums, lovingly bought and stacked just beside the pictures in their neatly labeled envelopes (still awaiting transport to the digital age). Love your posts.

  4. Shenita Sandhoff December 23, 2009 at 4:56 pm #

    valuable information and excellent design you got here! I would like to thank you for sharing your thoughts and time into the stuff you post!! Thumbs up!

    • delialloyd December 30, 2009 at 8:29 pm #

      thanks! really appreciate that! happy new year!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tips For Adulthood: Five Ways To Lower Your Expectations « RealDelia - July 22, 2009

    [...] watching – and judging – every last decision that we make. I myself walk around with a panel of elders – a semi-circle of aging wise men who collectively monitor my every move. But the hard truth, [...]

  2. Tips For Adulthood: Five Ways To Make A Move Easier « RealDelia - March 10, 2010

    [...] Declutter Now. I’m not a natural de-clutterer. I tend to favor putting things into neatly stacked piles, only to ignore them until said pile topples over under the weight of freshly sorted material. And [...]

  3. Tips For Adulthood: Five Secrets To A Happy Vacation « RealDelia - April 7, 2010

    [...] 3. Figure out in advance if you plan to exercise. Another lesson learned the hard way. As with many things in life, I think one can easily divide the world into two types of people: those who like to work out while they’re on vacation and those who don’t. I know that I’m squarely in the second camp. I work out regularly during my “normal” life, so for me, it’s really not fun to try and squeeze in a work out when I’m on holiday. Not working out is one of many reasons I think of it as a vacation. But I know lots of people – my husband, for example – who love working out, especially on a vacation. It relaxes them further. Either way is fine, but just be sure you are honest with yourself. Because if you are in the second camp, boy, can you save a lot of space (see #2) – not to mention guilt – by recognizing this ex ante. Staring at those running shoes gathering dust in the hotel closet? Yuck. Just say no. (Remember: There are no “shoulds!”) [...]

  4. Five Ways To Stay Positive While You Move « RealDelia - April 28, 2010

    [...] *shoulds*. I’ve written before about how many of us go through life tethered to an endless list of things that we feel we ought to be doing, yet never quite manage to accomplish: making photo albums, reading the Bible, joining a gym. [...]

Leave a Reply