Every Wednesday I offer tips for adulthood.
Yesterday, I posted about the sad state of infidelity in America (and Europe). In today’s post, I list five signs that your partner is being unfaithful:
1. They suddenly develop a rash of new hobbies. I had one friend who – in explaining her husband’s busy schedule and why she barely saw him anymore – said: “Well, you know, Paul’s got a lot of hobbies. He does banjo and judo and race car driving. He’s also taking classes to learn how to cook. And then every other Thursday he goes to the symphony…” Um, honey, I think Paul’s having an affair.
2. Their appearance changes dramatically. The tell-tale sign of infidelity is the abrupt change in look. Watch out for the here-to-fore button-downed male executive suddenly sporting loafers, designer jeans and “party shirts.” With ladies, it’s all about the accessories: a new found zeal for exotic handbags, scarves and showy jewelry. Be really wary when someone starts parting their hair on the other side.
3. They use payphones. Ok, this was back before the advent of the cell phone/mobile. But we had one neighbor when I was growing up who could always be seen making calls from the pay phone on the corner. Which was really curious because she had a landline in her home. I remember my father saying matter-of-factly: “She’s having an affair.” I suppose the modern day equivalent would be someone who spends all their time texting and never uses email. Much less of an e-paper trail.
4. They claim to have a “penetration phobia.” My friends, you can’t make this sh&% up. This is literally what one friend’s husband said to her by way of explaining his sudden loss of interest round’ about bedtime. Ah yes, that’s a good one. Three children later and you’re only now discovering this problem?
5. They tell you they need to “get away” to do some writing. Along the Appalachian trail. Without the kids. I’m afraid Mark Sanford has forever ruined the notion of the writer’s retreat for the rest of us. Darn him…
Image: Pay Phone NYC by Gonzalo Fernandez via Flickr under a Creative Commons License.
