From The Blog

Tips For Adulthood: Five Ways To Lower Your Expectations

Every Wednesday I offer tips for adulthood. So this morning I was riding a bus and I happened to read an op-ed by Eric Weiner in the International...

Every Wednesday I offer tips for adulthood.

So this morning I was riding a bus and I happened to read an op-ed by Eric Weiner in the International Herald Tribune about happiness. The basic thrust of the article (which appeared in Monday’s New York Times) was that Denmark has once again been ranked as “The Happiest Country in the World” according to a Eurobarometer survey. It’s a distinction that this country has held for the last 30 years. The article goes on to argue that the reason that the Danes enjoy such happiness is that they have lower expectations than the rest of us.

Hmmmm. As someone who regularly sets the bar too high in just about everything I do, I had trouble swallowing this at first. But when I thought about it, I realized that Weiner – and the Danes – have a point. After all, lowering your expectations doesn’t mean letting go of your dreams, as Simon James notes in this funny and spot-on post on the Freelance Writing Jobs Network. It just means approaching life with a somewhat different mindset.

In that spirit –  and if for no other reason than to knock Denmark off its happiness-survey perch – here are five tips for lowering your expectations:

1. Accept that B+ is OK. Or, if you prefer a baseball analogy: stick to base hits. You don’t need to knock it out of the park every time. I have a good friend who’s a self-employed IT consultant. At one point in her career, she decided to take on more work without increasing her hours so that she could still spend a reasonable amount of time with her kids. “How did you manage that?” I asked. “I don’t deliver A level work all the time anymore. I finally realized that B+ is OK.” I thought about that comment for years. Which brings us to…

2. Realize that No One Cares. I think that many of us harbor this sense that the world is watching – and judging – every last decision that we make. I myself walk around with a panel of elders – a semi-circle of aging wise men who collectively monitor my every move. But the hard truth, folks, is that most people don’t give a sh$# what you do with your life. They’re too wrapped up in their own lives to bother with yours. And once you realize that no one’s watching, you can ease up a bit on yourself.

3. Recognize that Happiness May Be Fleeting. Another way to say this is that sh#$ happens and you can’t control much of what comes your way. The Danes themselves apparently temper their “happiest” status with the expression “lige nu” which means something like “for now.”  When you embrace happiness as a scarce commodity, it enables you to  enjoy what you have right now instead of always reaching for the next frontier.

4. Imagine the Worst Case Scenario. Sometimes, when I’m really freaking out because I fear that I’ve failed to achieve one of my goals, I imagine the worst possible thing that could befall me in that arena. And when I do that, I usually realize that I haven’t hit rock bottom and consequently appreciate whatever it is I have accomplished, even if it falls below what I wanted. Case in point: I’ve written a novel. But, so far, I haven’t managed to sell it. The worst case scenario is that I’ll never sell it. And that would really suck. But then I remind myself that unlike two years ago, I’m no longer talking about writing a novel anymore. I’ve actually done it. And I feel a bit better.

5. Move to Denmark. If all else fails, move to Copenhagen. I hear they have excellent pastries.

Image: Morning Buns by Cacaobug via Flickr under a Creative Commons License.

Be Sociable, Share!


  1. Simon J. James July 22, 2009 at 2:01 pm #

    Many thanks for the mention Delia and I really like this piece.

    The pursuit of happiness, and it’s capture in literary form, has been an interest of mine for a few years. The closest I have seen it detailed in an actual complete (ish) structure is detailed in the Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt. It’s a great read if you ever have the time. Also I have heard Richard Wiseman’s 59 Seconds is potentially life changing!

    Good luck and stay in touch!


    • delialloyd July 22, 2009 at 9:26 pm #

      thanks for the recommendation-I’ll have a look. Love your column, BTW. We writers need some humor!

  2. Kim Henriksen July 23, 2009 at 1:03 pm #

    Hi Delia!

    I’m Danish and just wanted to comment on the “lige nu” term.

    “it enables you to enjoy what you have ->right now<- instead of always reaching for the next frontier."

    "Right now" is the correct translation!

    Thank you for the good read!


    P.S. We have awesome pastries, you should come visit! ;-)

    • delialloyd July 23, 2009 at 1:04 pm #

      thank you, Kim! I’d love to visit-Copenhagen is on my list!

  3. Tracy July 24, 2009 at 5:32 pm #

    I am fortunate to be an American resident in Denmark.

    I think that Denmark is one of the happiest countries in the world because everyone has much less to worry about because of the benefits of the social service network.

    Danes don’t have to worry about health insurance, credit card debt (credit cards have to be paid off by the end of the month, if you don’t make the payment the bank will), retirement (savings into a pension come automatically out of one’s paycheck).

    People get five weeks of vacation at least a year, work normal 37.5 hour work weeks, and are much more relaxed than in the US. I have almost never seen a Dane yell at a child, which is a very common occurence in the US.

    They also have the best weather of the Scandinavian countries; it isn’t Spain, but it’s better than Norway or Sweden.

    Most Americans would find the lack of choice in saving or incurring debt horrifying, and would never agree to the high debt.

    • delialloyd July 24, 2009 at 5:34 pm #

      thanks for this-very thoughtful. Never knew that about credit card debt-fasincating! (are they more indebted as a result?)

  4. Hash April 9, 2010 at 8:58 pm #

    I’v e tried some of the advice here. Sometimes my pain persists. There are pain relief products and then there are fast pain relief products. I suffer migraines and my last one was gone in under 5 minutes with a new product called Rapiprofen. It just took like 4-5 sprays under my tongue and that’s it. You can get it at

  5. Emily May 6, 2013 at 6:09 pm #

    Hi Delia!

    If your issue for you novel is finding a publisher, consider creating your own publishing company!
    My mother wrote a novel but has no fame or connections to even get a publishing company to glance at her book, but for less than a grand you can create your own publishing company and put your book out there for yourself.
    We recommend that you start with publishing it as an ebook, let it gain popularity, then start appealing to bookshops/stores.

    Good luck!


  1. Dear Americans: Don’t work at home, work less - March 4, 2013

    […] nothing to do with working (or not) in an office. It has everything to do with my own psychology (I have a hard time delivering B+), the difficulty of shutting down in a wired world and, above all, being American. I’m sure […]

Leave a Reply to Hash