Archive by Author

What If We Hadn’t Met?

cheese cubes

Wickersham is an American writer – most famous for her memoir, The Suicide Index – who also writes regularly for The Boston Globe. An essay of hers about how married couples communicate sparked a part of my own entitled, The Secret Language of Long-Term Marriages which I shared here last month. And now she’s published another essay about marriage – How We Met – in which she describes the universal fascination we all hold with the story about how couples meet.

In Wickersham’s own case, her initial meeting with her husband was a total dud. They met at a party; she was friendly, he was aloof. They didn’t speak again for 18 months. She also recounts the tales of other couples she knows, some of whom experienced the proverbial “love at first sight,” others who met via a personals ad (“I like to walk in the rain” apparently turned out to be a big draw.)

As Wickersham points out, the reason we’re all so fascinated with the “how we met” narrative is that it’s always about something deeper. These stories are, as she puts it, “fated yet random…behind every “How we met’’ story is the unspoken question: What if we hadn’t?”

Read the rest of this post over at Better After 50

Image: Swiss Cheese Cubes via Wikimedia Commons

Friday Pix: Some Recommended Reading For The Weekend

myers briggs

myers briggsOn occasional Fridays, I point you towards some recommended reading around the blogosphere:

a. As a long-time This American Life fan, I found this piece by Ira Glass about the death of a grown-up friend very moving.

b. A friend sent through a terrific-looking list of books about growth in middle age. I can’t wait to dive in.

c. If you like taking personality tests and especially Myers-Briggs, you will love this piece on the definition of hell for each Myers-Briggs type. Calling all fellow ENTJs!

d. And speaking of middle age, anyone who is a Simon & Garfunkle fan will relish this recent and unexpected reunion of Simon and Garfunkle.

e. If, in contrast, your tastes run more towards The Wire, try prying yourself away from this new game: Where’s Wallace?

f. Finally, in lighter fare, The Buzz Feed has some fun recirculating the response to President Trump’s accidentally tweeting the word “We.”

Have a great weekend!

Image: Myers Briggs by Eric E. Castro via Flickr

 

Desert Island Discs: Narrating Your Life Through Music

peter paul and mary
peter paul and mary

There’s a popular, long-running radio show in the U.K. where I live called Desert Island Discs. The premise behind the show is quite simple: a guest is invited by the host choose the eight records they would take with them to a desert island. But it’s really a vehicle for getting famous people – whether that’s Bill Gates or David Beckham or Zaha Hadid – to narrate their lives through music.

So what most guests do is to select songs that speak to different parts of their lives: a piece that conjures up their childhood or family…something to capture the time they met their spouse…a tune that speaks to the most creative point in their career or the death of a beloved relative. You get the picture.

Needless to say, in one of my occurring fantasies I am a guest being interviewed on this program about my book project on swimming and adulthood, narrating how I built my illustrious career as a full-time writer over the course of a lifetime. (Hey, we all gotta dream…)

Which of course only begs the question: which songs would I choose to tell my story?

Early Childhood

Early childhood is an easy one for me. I would select Puff The Magic Dragon by Peter, Paul and Mary. Yes, I know, a cheesy selection by certain measures. Yet, for me, that’s a song that makes me weep every time I hear it as it is about the inevitability of loss as we age: the loss of playfulness, the loss of our childhood friends, and the painful but necessary separation we must all undertake from our families of origin.

Adolescence

Adolescence is also an easy one for me. I listened to a lot of Billy Joel as a teenager, a songwriter who so clearly evokes a particular moment in the late 1970s-early 1980s – just after the Disco era ended and a particular place – most of his songs are about the New Jersey-New York metropolitan area and the longing to get out and make more of ourselves. I could pick any of his hits, but these five Billy Joel tunes probably speak to me most, still.

College

College has got to be either The Grateful Dead singing Ripple or Dire Straits doing Romeo and Juliet – the only two bands I ever went to see perform more than once. These songs readily call to mind the most carefree time of my life, a time when I didn’t worry about anything other than going to classes and hanging out with my friends (not always in that order!) and didn’t think at all about the future. It was perhaps the only time in my life that I was fully “present,” before any concerns about rent and jobs and graduate school kicked in.

Courtship

I had never listened to jazz before I met my husband, but he introduced me to this great musical tradition and to this artist – Gene Harris – in particular. During the early months of our courtship, we used to listen to Like a Lover first thing when we woke up in the morning. Bliss.

Using Music to Better Understand Yourself

Much like writing your own obituary – something I wrote about on these pages recently – thinking about how your narrate your life through music is an intersting exercise. Music reconnects you to your past. It gets you to think in concrete terms about what different phases of your life meant to you and why. And in doing that, you get a better handle on your present self – what you like about yourself, what you might wish to flee, what you miss about yourself, what you’d like to see more of in the years ahead.

So go ahead, try it. What are some of your “desert island discs”?

 

Image: Peter, Paul and Mary 1970 via Wikimedia Commons

The Secret Language of Long Term Marriages

marriage

marriageI once read an article about the underlying codes governing long-term relationships that really struck a chord.

It was an essay by writer Joan Wickersham about the ways in which, over time, couples develop their own private lexicons with which to communicate with one another.

Wickersham talks about this dynamic within the context of marriage, but her point applies to any long-term partnership. What’s crucial is that you’re together long enough to have a shared experience which then evolves into a catch phrase that only the two of you can understand.

By way of example, she recounts the story of how – right after she married her husband – Wickersham got a job in a bank which she hated. Even though her husband had a job that he liked, he convinced her to quit her job (and he his) so that they could move somewhere else and both be happy. From there on out, “It’s like the bank” became their stock way to describe any situation that was especially bleak and dismal. Wickersham has another great story about the phrase “We’re just not serrated knife people” and what it came to mean within the context of their marriage.

Read the rest of this post over on Better After 50

Image: Marriage by Jo Christian Oterhals via Flickr

Listen To This Surprising Advice From Your Future 90-Year-Old Self

old man

old manI was having lunch with a friend the other day and we got to talking about my next career move. I’m at that stage – once again – where I’m thinking about what’s next for me professionally – so I laid out the three options I’m currently mulling over.

“What do you want me to say?” she asked, when I finished my short speech.

“I want you to tell me which one of those I should pursue!”

She paused and considered my directive for a moment. “What would your 90 year old self advise you to do?”

It was a great question.

Regret exerts a powerful pull on us in adulthood. And she was basically counselling me not to reach the ripe old age of 90 and ask myself, “What might have been?”

But I felt that she was also exhorting me to get in touch with my authentic self. I have a very well developed analytic side to my brain.  If it goes unchecked, I can easily spend my life thinking my way through dilemmas. She was basically saying to me: Don’t think, Feel. Ask yourself what you really want right now, not what you ought to want. In other words, no more shoulds.

Which in turn reminded me of one of my favorite self-help books, about which I’ve evangelized before: Elle Luna’s amazing, The Crossroads of Should and Must. In this book – which is all about uncovering your authentic self – giving up the “shoulds” (what we think we ought to do) for the “musts” (our true passions) – the author has you do a series of exercises designed to elicit your “must.”

One of them which I found particularly effective was to write my own obituary – actually to write two of them. The first is how you *think* your obituary will read when you die and the second is how you’d like it to read. This doesn’t necessarily need to be an exercise about career change, but it’s perfectly designed to explore that realm of life.

Try it. It’s excruciatingly painful and yet incredibly elucidating.

If you’re like me, what you’ll discover is that you could end your professional days with a perfectly respectable career doing X, Y, or Z. Perhaps you’re on a few boards and maybe you’ve even won some accolades.

But while your “likely” obituary might recount a professional journey you won’t be ashamed of, that doesn’t mean that it’s really “you.” And if that’s the case, you might end up closing out your days feeling cheated.

I, for one, don’t want that to happen to me.

Which is why that lunch was a great wake up call to check back in with myself about what I really want to get out of the second half of life. I went back to those dueling obituaries, re-read them, and realized that I was still in danger of having the “wrong obituary” if I wasn’t incredibly mindful about how I approach this whole process of career change.

I’ll let you know how I get on.

Image: Jack Shaller by Chris Bentley via Flickr

 

Breaking Up With Friends: Online…and In Real Life

LikeButton

She doesn’t know it, of course. Because I don’t know her.

In that curious Online way in which we now Friend and Follow and Subscribe to many of our “friends,” you can just as easily unfriend, unfollow or unsubscribe to someone’s feed and they won’t necessarily even know that it happened.

It was a weird experience for me, nonetheless – the end of this relationship. She was one of the very first bloggers that I began to follow, long before I launched my own blog. I followed her because she seemed wise and funny and edgy. Most of all, she had super-insightful tips on an array of topics that interested me concerning blogging and career change and work/life balance.

Over time, however, she began to blog less and less about these professional topics and more and more about her personal life. That didn’t bother me, at first. For starters, she has a super-interesting personal life. And she’s also got a terrific voice. And, let’s be honest, blogging is an inherently narcissistic activity. So if you don’t have a strong voice, it really doesn’t work. (Thank goodness for all of us that narcissism is no longer in the DSM…)

Read the rest of this post over at Better After 50

Image: Symbols Icon Like Www Online Favorite Internet via MaxPixel

Tips For Adulthood: How To Cultivate A Sense Of “Belonging” As We Age

belonging ageing

belonging ageingOn occasional Wednesdays I offer tips for adulthood.

I had breakfast recently with two friends in their 70’s. Both have enjoyed very successful professional lives, but are now struggling with how to “give back” in later life. They know what they are good at and would like to share those skills with others, but they are struggling with how to find the right group that shares both their professional interests and feels like a good fit socially. Being on a the board of an organization is all well and good, but they are after something that is much more personal and community-based.

As I listened to them speak, it occurred to me that what they’re really talking about is how to cultivate a sense of “belonging,” something that is so naturally achieved through colleagues, religious affiliations, neighborhoods and our kids in earlier phases of adulthood. As we age however, and parents become ill or die, friends move on and our careers wind down, belonging becomes more central to our lives – and more elusive.

Here are five ways to cultivate a sense of belonging as we age:

a. Join a Club – This is obviously the easiest and most immediate way to foster a sense of belonging, by joining a like-minded group of people who share your core interests. While some people think that everything you do in retirement has to have “meaning” and “purpose! (Capital M! Capital P!), there’s a lot to be said for just getting out there and having some old-fashioned fun. Plus, picking up a hobby in mid-life is good for brain development. Not finding what you want? Start your own club. I once solicited ideas for different “grown up” club ideas on Linked In and was amazed with what came back: an “admin” club where you sit with friends to force yourself through the mound of paperwork on your desk, a “fix-it” collective to repair broken objects and – wait for it! – a “procrastinators club” where you actually put some money down to inspire yourself – and others – to tackle a long-delayed life project.

b. Go Online – If you’re not finding something that sparks a sense of belonging locally, go online. Not all boomers are comfortable on the internet, but seniors who use the internet report higher levels of life satisfaction than seniors who do not. I’ve personally been delighted to discover the treasure trove of websites devoted to establishing a sense of community and identity for those of us in the “second half of life,” which range from more journalistic sites like Next Avenue that provide news and information relevant to America’s booming aging population, to health and wellness sites aimed at more niche audiences, such as Sixty and Me (women) or OlderBeast (men).

c. Volunteer – If I sounded above like I dismiss the value of volunteer work as we age, I don’t. We know that volunteering as you age can be good for both your physical and your mental health. The two friends I had breakfast with were particularly keen to find places where they could utilize the skills they’d amassed over a lifetime of work and make those useful for other people. Fortunately, they are tapping into a zeitgeist as organizations like Encore.org and Re-Serve are all about fostering this sort of inter-generational learning.

d. Do A Gap Year – Until recently, the concept of a “gap year” was almost entirely confined to the U.K. It’s an (optional) year right after high school and before college when 18 year-olds go out and explore – literally, by travelling, or more figuratively, by working/volunteering/ or simply puzzling through what the next phase of adulthood might offer. I’m quite drawn to the idea of gap years for grown ups as a time to do volunteer work, learn a new skill, or immerse oneself in a foreign culture. For those struggling with how to find belonging, this outside-the-box strategy might just do the trick.

e. Go To A Conference – Finally, if all else fails, belonging might come about through simple, old-fashioned networking. There are a variety of conferences springing up aimed specifically at the aging set, whether those are about fostering creativity or understanding the business side of the “longevity economy.” Pick your passion and register now!

What works for you?

Image: The Romanian Mob by John Rawlinson via Flickr

Friday Pix: Recommended Reading For The Weekend

Fountain pen writing

Fountain pen writing

On occasional Fridays, I point you towards some recommended reading around the blogosphere:

a. By now, we’ve all seen the viral video of the academic in South Korea whose young children crash his interview with the BBC. But you may not have seen this frame-by-frame analysis of the BBC interview from The Daily Telegraph or Robert Kelly (that’s his name)’s own quite grown-up response to the whole affair.

b. As a long time fan of David Letterman, it was great to see Letterman “unplugged” in this interview with Vulture.

c. This essay by Amy Krause Rosenthal in the New York Times’ Modern Love column, in which she encourages other people to marry her husband on her deathbed, is a lovely tribute to love and marriage.

d. George Saunders’ account of the creative process that writers undergo when they write is both hilarious and spot on.

e. And speaking of writing, if you’re a grammarian – or simply (like me) a fan of the Oxford Comma, you’ll love this story. (Read it while listening to this gem…)

Have a great weekend!

Image: Fountain Pen via Wikipedia

Friendship Etiquette At Midlife

dinner party

dinner partyI got an email from a friend a few weeks back. It read something like this:

Dear Delia: I wanted to let you know that I invited X and her husband over to dinner. I feel terribly as I realize that I did this without ever having you guys over first and I’ve known you longer than X. So I wanted to tell you myself in case you heard it from X. I realize that this may sound silly, but I just felt like I needed to tell you. [Husband] and I would love to have you guys over as well…”

I loved this note on so many levels. First, I loved my friend for being so honest and forthright about such a small – but (potentially) awkward – situation. Second, she even gave me (unsolicited) permission to go ahead and blog about it (suggesting that we really are quite compatible as friends.)

Finally, I loved the way that she put her finger on one of those intangible, and yet instantly recognizable, aspects of adulthood: the etiquette of friendship.

Read the rest of this post over at Better After 50….

Image: Dinner Party 6 by Anoldent via Flickr

Tips For Adulthood: Five Reasons To Clear Out Your Inbox

inbox

inboxOn occasional Wednesdays I offer tips for adulthood:

I’m not one of those die-hard Inbox Zero types. I’ve come to accept that there will always be a certain base level of flotsam cluttering up my inbox. Otherwise, I’d do nothing but eliminate emails all day long.

But there comes a time — and everyone has a different threshold — when you just can’t bear to look at your inbox splitting at the seams anymore. For me, it was when my inbox went over 1000 messages. (I won’t tell you how much over or you might gasp.) And I knew that it was time to get our my virtual hacksaw and start chopping.

If you’re like me, you probably dread the idea of sitting down and going through your inbox. Maybe there’s stuff in there that you’re trying to avoid. Or you fear that by managing your inbox, you will necessarily *not* be doing something else with your time. Or maybe the whole task is just too daunting.

But today’s post is meant to help you see that by setting aside time to clear out your inbox, you’ll actually feel calmer *and* more productive. Here’s why:

Read the rest of this post over on Thrive Global:

Image courtesy of Recrea HQ via Flickr