Judith Warner had a nice post the other day on her blog, Domestic Disturbances.
The topic was expectations.
In recounting three different conversations she’d had that week, she’d come to terms with the fact that there were several areas in her life where she just wasn’t doing what she “ought” to be doing:
The weeds choking the garden. The hundreds of digital photos that no one has ever seen. The kid-art that hasn’t been hung. All these undone things, all these instances in which I Fail to Meet Expectations (according to the imaginary report card I update every day), derive their urgency for me from the sense that, if did meet performance standards, then I would be living my life to the fullest.
I could relate. I, too, walk around with what I call my “Panel of Elders” – a semi-circle of aging wise men who collectively monitor my every move. The Supreme Court meets Mt. Rushmore, if you will.
And there’s a lot to be said for Warner’s punchline: that we just need to let go. Stop letting the perfect be the enemy of the good and all that.
Upon reflection, however, I think that the take-away point here extends beyond just lowering the bar. I think it’s also about being honest with ourselves about what we really enjoy and letting the rest fall by the wayside.
Economists have a wonderful concept – revealed preferences – which, in layman’s terms, means something like: “What you want is revealed by what you do, not by what you say.”
To take one of Warner’s examples, I actually know plenty of people who keep up-to-date photo albums or figure out some ingenious (and eye-catching) mechanism for storing their kids’ art projects. I’m just not one of them. Having never been a terribly “crafty” person, I just don’t like that sort of thing. (Which may explain why my own kids’ art projects currently spill haplessly out of a makeshift cardboard box. From time to time, rather than sort them out I simply dump a few into the trash, at which point my 5 year old invariably fishes them out as proof that I don’t really love her.)
By the same token, I always feel like I should be doing some combination of: taking an art appreciation course…deciding what religion I ought to be…learning how to swim properly…re-reading the bible (Thank heavens David Plotz already has that last one covered for me.) The list goes on.
But when I’m honest with myself about who I really am (every third Thursday of every second month in leap year), I recognize that I don’t actually enjoy most of those things. Or at least I don’t enjoy them enough to already be doing them. Or I would be.
So the next time you find yourself at war with your super ego over that avant garde French Film course you really should be taking (Is that just me??) – catch yourself and just say “no.” Or simply: “I don’t prefer.”
Image: Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash
May 12, 2009, 10:57 am
This is just so true! Especially living here in London, we always feel like we should be enjoying certain things, but sometimes I actually think I might enjoy watching Oprah in the Hilton Garden Inn in Dayton, Ohio more than seeing the latest amazing play at the National Theatre or a weekend in Paris.
May 12, 2009, 5:30 pm
SOOOO true! Thanks for reminding us Delia : )
May 13, 2009, 12:59 am
I have the same box for kid art and same editing technique. I did finally learn to bury the evidence deep in the trash can, away from prying eyes. My daughter finds other behaviors of mine that she points to as proof I don’t love her, but I have cut her off at the pass on this one. My son of course believes I don’t love him, at least not as much as I love his older sister, because I have yet to make him a baby book, whereas my daughter has several. So we’re back to the piles of photos and empty albums, lovingly bought and stacked just beside the pictures in their neatly labeled envelopes (still awaiting transport to the digital age). Love your posts.
July 22, 2009, 1:40 pm
December 23, 2009, 4:56 pm
valuable information and excellent design you got here! I would like to thank you for sharing your thoughts and time into the stuff you post!! Thumbs up!
December 30, 2009, 8:29 pm
thanks! really appreciate that! happy new year!
March 10, 2010, 5:02 pm
April 7, 2010, 3:02 pm
April 28, 2010, 2:36 pm